So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
