I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
