.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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