You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
