i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
