Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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