I think I won the penis lottery.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
