Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
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So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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