The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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