guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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