I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
