You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
