I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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