I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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