That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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