there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
