I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
