It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
