there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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