i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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