Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
