His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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