Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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