Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
