Soap is not a condiment
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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