I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
