There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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