one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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