I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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