How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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