You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
