he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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