i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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