The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
