Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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