one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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