I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
