Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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