Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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