Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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