I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
