I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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