I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
someone owes me an orgasm
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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