You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am naked and annoyed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
