so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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