I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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