My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
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Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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