its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
