my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
