My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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