WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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