I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
