that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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