i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.