you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
