you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.