At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?